2012 the bear

MIL#2 extreme pain - started with cancer of the brain now throughout her whole body
niece - stage 4 cervicalcancer
daughter - broken foot - 2 bones & one dislocated to the wrong side of the foot.
daughter - midbrain scatter

what else is there?

Years Come Years Go - Let Time Be

Years come, years go, and this year 2012 is not going to come again. Each day presented an opportunity for us to become a new "me", a new "you", a new "us", to make it the life of our dreams.

The clock ticked; the seconds became minutes, the minutes became hours, the hours became days, the days became weeks and months, the months became a year, and by then 2012 was going to cease to exist. By the time year 2012 became a year, it was done and could not be something more even if it wished to; 2013 waited in the wings.

Years come, years go. Time stays on; constantly churning, egging us on, beating us to the punch, waiting for us to catch up. Time never stands still. We wish it did. Pause. Stop. Smell the flowers. Take in a sunset. Put your feet up on the hammock. Stand on the sea shore and stare at the azure beyond. Dream.

Time is a lie. Life does not happen on the clock. The first time a baby talks, the first time a baby crawls, the first few steps on unsteady feet, nothing happens on an calendar appointment. The first lie, the first fight, the first best friends, nothing seeks your nod to happen on the clock. The first kiss, the first crush, the first love, you'd be a fool to look at the clock to make it happen.

Jump, Fly, Soar. Love, Share, Give. Dream, Do, Achieve. Let Time Go. Live Your Life.

Time . .

Wake up at 5:30/
Call mom/
/Speak to lead/
/Perform Analysis/
/Draft Email/
/Read news paper/
/Study for CAT/
/Read Novel/
/Call XYZ/
/Etc/
/Get CFL/
/Leave on Time/

We can have enough of money, so that we don't have to think about it before spending/wasting it, but can we have enough of time? so that we can spend it lavishly, finish the tasks enjoying each moment without any tension of meeting some deadlines set by self or others?

A delay of half an hour in getting up disrupts the entire day schedule i will go office late, come back home late, skip the morning 30 mins of newspaper, skip breakfast or have an express one (which is usually 400 Gm of Curd or a Subway sandwich), dress up in a hurry etc.
There is not a single moment during the day when i am not keeping a check on the amount of time i am spending in doing an activity, be it preparing a deliverable, writing a mail or attending nature call.
Their is so much tension in mind so difficult to try and remember all the things that i have to do in a day. A diary or notepad, seems indispensable for a day to end properly, and its so much of a joy if i am back home in time and all the items for today are crossed. I was never so meticulous but their is no other fucking way to remember all the things. In office, sometimes, simply trying to remember what all i planned to do in the morning a few hours ago, even that gives a bloody headache.

IT all feels so suffocating, not being able to do things at an easy pace.

Our for fathers never used to worry about all these things, no emails, no mobiles, no cars everything used to happen at the speed at which humans can work, now we are bloody forced to match the speed of fudging machines. And we also have soft-wares that tell us when we are going slow.

Forget it cuz' you can't fix it

There are times when you're putting your baby to sleep, and simultaneously taking a journey down the memory lane. Nothing related to your childhood, or your Mommy's lullabies; just pondering about what you could undo and what you could have done better. You crave to fix a couple of things and torture your mind by thinking about ways to fix what you can never fix. And you want to do all this by making sure that you don't end up with a different present, because the present that you have is perfect - a loving husband and a beautiful daughter. So you quit thinking about changing the past, not because it is unchangeable, but because you are afraid of ruining your present.

I feel that I should have spent more time with parents, been less selfish, and saved more money. I can always do this now, so that five years down the line, I'm not busy thinking about undoing the past while I'm singing a lullaby for my kids.

I should have been sleeping now...

Panchi Ho Jaavaan (I wish that I could be a bird)

Panchi ho Jaavaan

Jee chaahe panchi ho jaavaan,
Ud daa jaavaan, gaunda jaavaan,
Anchuhe sikharaan nu Choo paavaan,
Is duniya deeyaan raahvaan bhul ke
Pher kade na vaapas aavaan.

Ja ishnaan karaan vich jam-jam
La Deekaan peeyaan daan da paani.
Maan-sarovar de beh kande
Tutta jiha ik geet maen gaavaan.
Ja baethaan vich khireeyaan royeean
Phakaar pauna itar-sajoeeyaan.
Him-Teesiyaan moiyaan moiyaan
Yugaan yugaan taun kakkar hoiyaan
Ghut kaleje maen garmaavaan.
Jee chaahe panchi ho jaavaan.

Hoe aahlana vich shatootaan,
Jaan vich jand, kareer, sarootaan,
Aaun poorere de seet faraate,
Lachkaare iyun laen Daaliyaan
JyuN koi Doli kheDe jaReeyaan
Vaal khalaari lae lae jhootaan.
Ik din aisa jhakkarh jhulle
Ud pud jaavan sab hi teelee
Be-ghar be-dar main ho jaavaan.
Saari umar peeyaan ras gham da
Aise nashe vich jind handaavaan,
Jee chaahe panchi ho jaavaan.

English Translation.
___________________________

"I wish that I could be a bird
That I could fly, that I could sing,
That I could touch untouchable peaks,
That I could forget the roads of the world,
And never return.

I would bath luxuriously
Drinking long sips of water.
By the shore of a great lake,
I would sing a halting song.
I would go into a flowering wilderness
Gulp the perfume laden winds.
I would warm in a tight embrace,
The peaks of mountains,
Deadened by centuries of freezing cold.
I wish that I could be a bird.

My nest would be among the mulberry trees,
On in the caper, the mesquite or the cypress.
When the cold east wind blew
The jewelled branches would bend
As if playing, swaying
With their hair flying in the wind.
One day there would be a storm
And all the twigs would all scatter.
Nestless, homeless, I would become,
For the rest of my life I would drink the nectar of sorrow
And live my life in its intoxication.
I wish that I could be a bird."