Ahh . . I thought i will see something new here may be sone new post or anything but seems like there hasn't been a new post here for the past 4 years. Guess everyone is busy in their life or are using the 'newer' social media tools "instagram" and "facebook". I intentionally chose to write their names without a capital letter in the beginning cause i don't think these deserve that respect which "Blogging" should get so i wont put them at the same pedestal. * I have a habit of capitalising way too much, i don't know why but maybe when i cannot find another way of emphasizing something i end up capitalising its first letter, i do it in office mails also".
So coming back to the topic, "Nothing", yeah that is basically the reason for this post. i was feeling nothing and i thought that i should write about nothing. Actaully i was feeling nothing and i thought i would read something but when i started looking for some old blogs ( i remember only a few actaully, spacers reloaded, mandylling (that's mine actually i made in 2009 and didn't write a single post after that) and looked up one of my past connected through net friend (net induced friendship?) (past? , we are still in touch, just that its one in 6 months instead of once in 6 hours, but that once in 6 hours was also for a brief period of few months on a verage i guess it would be once in 6 weeks, no we used to chat for days at stretch on weekends so may be once in 6 days considering we have spoken very rarely for the past 5-6 years yeah) all were empty or did not have a single new post so i thought let's write something, since now i have so much nothingness to write about.
I got married in between, lost my father to cancer in between a terrible one year period which i hope no family has to go through and the best part was that the disease was diagnosed a month before my marriage was scheduled. That makes it worse cause my Papa was very invested fora full year in the marriage preparations and because of that he ignored his deteriorating health a little thinking it is because of fatigue but it came out to be cancer. I miss him so much, he was my back i did not know how to do a single thing cause i always had him to do it all for me. He loved me more than anything and i know i haven't been as good as i should have been to him i will just have to regret it for the rest of my life.
So, marriage is kind of you know . . . . Shit!, i am not happy and he is not happy but still it is so difficult to leave each other cause of i don't know whatever shit. We have no understanding we fight like cats and dogs more like dogs and dogs not daily but most of the time she doesn't get along with my mom also and i hate her terribly for that. I have plans to act like a dick in fron of her family from no onwards that should teach her a lesson. I am fond of her . . . a little and do miss her at times but i guess i am just so used to living alone that living with someone is not possible for me Oh but i do get scared at night and still sleep with the light on if i am alone in the house so living alone is also not an option.
The worst part of my life is that it feels that i have nothing to look forward to, i don't want to have kids cause that will be like having babies to have an activity to do for the rest of your life. I go to office come back home eat and sleep. The days we don't talk much are actually the better ones. I guess i hurried myself in to marriage thinking that if i cross 30 i won't be able to find a good wife (Good = pretty and educated). But that is a separate issue. The point is what am i living for ? I don't really know . . . I wonder how did i become so boring ?, i want boring i used to be the chatterbox in school, the prankster the you know the loudest boy in the class the mischief doer etc and now i am just a boring monthly wage worker.
Nothing can be a pretty nasty something, Not to confuse it with loneliness i cherish loneliness (or used to?) I used to write when i was alone think about future, imagine myself in different roles imagine different scenarios it used to be like dream i would sit down and imagine myself having conversations with some one (witty ones) and then i used to also laugh at my witty one liners and innuendoes but now when i am in the future (from my past perspectives) I feel so uninspiring to my own self like what i imagined i would do and what i am doing what sort of life i imagined i would have to what i actually have with me right now. It is so drastically different. I am not calling myself a loser, (that is what i would use for people i despise and i don't despise myself) just that i find myself very Uninspiring to my own self, not the way i wanted myself to turn out to be.
Nothing (it doesn't need a full stop, right?)
So coming back to the topic, "Nothing", yeah that is basically the reason for this post. i was feeling nothing and i thought that i should write about nothing. Actaully i was feeling nothing and i thought i would read something but when i started looking for some old blogs ( i remember only a few actaully, spacers reloaded, mandylling (that's mine actually i made in 2009 and didn't write a single post after that) and looked up one of my past connected through net friend (net induced friendship?) (past? , we are still in touch, just that its one in 6 months instead of once in 6 hours, but that once in 6 hours was also for a brief period of few months on a verage i guess it would be once in 6 weeks, no we used to chat for days at stretch on weekends so may be once in 6 days considering we have spoken very rarely for the past 5-6 years yeah) all were empty or did not have a single new post so i thought let's write something, since now i have so much nothingness to write about.
I got married in between, lost my father to cancer in between a terrible one year period which i hope no family has to go through and the best part was that the disease was diagnosed a month before my marriage was scheduled. That makes it worse cause my Papa was very invested fora full year in the marriage preparations and because of that he ignored his deteriorating health a little thinking it is because of fatigue but it came out to be cancer. I miss him so much, he was my back i did not know how to do a single thing cause i always had him to do it all for me. He loved me more than anything and i know i haven't been as good as i should have been to him i will just have to regret it for the rest of my life.
So, marriage is kind of you know . . . . Shit!, i am not happy and he is not happy but still it is so difficult to leave each other cause of i don't know whatever shit. We have no understanding we fight like cats and dogs more like dogs and dogs not daily but most of the time she doesn't get along with my mom also and i hate her terribly for that. I have plans to act like a dick in fron of her family from no onwards that should teach her a lesson. I am fond of her . . . a little and do miss her at times but i guess i am just so used to living alone that living with someone is not possible for me Oh but i do get scared at night and still sleep with the light on if i am alone in the house so living alone is also not an option.
The worst part of my life is that it feels that i have nothing to look forward to, i don't want to have kids cause that will be like having babies to have an activity to do for the rest of your life. I go to office come back home eat and sleep. The days we don't talk much are actually the better ones. I guess i hurried myself in to marriage thinking that if i cross 30 i won't be able to find a good wife (Good = pretty and educated). But that is a separate issue. The point is what am i living for ? I don't really know . . . I wonder how did i become so boring ?, i want boring i used to be the chatterbox in school, the prankster the you know the loudest boy in the class the mischief doer etc and now i am just a boring monthly wage worker.
Nothing can be a pretty nasty something, Not to confuse it with loneliness i cherish loneliness (or used to?) I used to write when i was alone think about future, imagine myself in different roles imagine different scenarios it used to be like dream i would sit down and imagine myself having conversations with some one (witty ones) and then i used to also laugh at my witty one liners and innuendoes but now when i am in the future (from my past perspectives) I feel so uninspiring to my own self like what i imagined i would do and what i am doing what sort of life i imagined i would have to what i actually have with me right now. It is so drastically different. I am not calling myself a loser, (that is what i would use for people i despise and i don't despise myself) just that i find myself very Uninspiring to my own self, not the way i wanted myself to turn out to be.
Nothing (it doesn't need a full stop, right?)
